Before I die…

One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is, would I be happy if I died today? This may seem depressing, deep, and somewhat severe but it is also real. Having honest conversations with yourself can not only help connect your brain and heart, but can give you perspective on where you are in life. Right now, I’m totally overwhelmed. I know I shouldn’t be. Seventeen should be sweet and simple- lots more fun than it is right now. Instead, I sit at home during my week long break taking practice SAT tests and doing homework for my AP classes. Instead, I train two times a day and eat anything and everything. Instead, I pull my hair out over one bad grade and one bad swim. Instead, I stay up late on my computer wishing I could be as creative as others. Wishing… and wanting.

So the answer? No. If I died today, I would not be happy with how I died. I want to die with so much love in my heart that it spills out of me. I want to die kind and intelligent. I want to die with more than just a perfect score on a test, or a college acceptance letter. Sure, I have so many things to look back on that would make my life seem happy. However, I know that right now, in this exact moment, I am not as happy as I used to be. I know that’s life, and that not everything will be fabulous. But I also think that even in the mist of all the worries I have in school and in the pool, that I could do a better job making myself happy in the process. You create your environment and your mindset. Perhaps before you start your day, just remind yourself to live it the fullest. Life is so unexpected: make the most of it.